Keeping her light lit while caregiving

Long before Mary Ponthan was navigating doctor’s appointments and caregiver training, she was a ninth grader meeting David for the first time. They lost touch but reunited after college, and shortly after David left for basic training, the two decided to get married and moved to Fort Sill. Soon afterward, he was deployed to Vietnam.  

During his 11-month tour, David disappeared for six months.  

Ponthan recalled, “There was zero. Nothing. No postcards, no messages.”  

She was only 25 and for those six months she thought she was a widow. And, for those six months she searched for David, contacting the Red Cross twice and eventually tracking down David’s commanding officer at the Pentagon. On the day she finally received a call saying he had been found, relief washed over her. They planned to be reunited during David’s leave in Hawaii. In anticipation, Ponthan celebrated the best way she knew, buying $80 worth of groceries, (which today would be $730).     

“The cashier thought I was having a party,” she laughed. “There was no party. That was for me to have him all to myself for two weeks.”  

Decades later, that determination to care for David would be shown in another way. David came to the VA at age 72 and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s within weeks. Doctors said they thought it had gone undiagnosed for 20 to 25 years.  

As his care became more complex, Ponthan found herself stepping into a larger role. She attended all his appointments, 147 in one year alone, asked questions, and encouraged other spouses to do the same.  

“You need to be in there,” she said, “You need to hear what they’re saying to him, since you’re not necessarily going to get the information or the instruction you need from him.” 

At one of these appointments, a provider suggested that Ponthan consider becoming an official caregiver through the VA. Soon after, she completed the required training and became part of the VA caregiver support program. While she says she never needed a paycheck to care for her husband, the program provided support that eased some of the financial burden.  

“It allows you to buy him something that you ordinarily wouldn’t buy him,” she said. “And you get to put some away, because who knows what’s going to happen next.”  

The program also connected her with another in-home caregiver for David, giving Mary time for herself. She has learned that creating a space where she can continue to live her own life while caring for someone else is one of the most important factors in being a successful caregiver.   

“Even before the VA gave me a caregiver for David, I was still running a design firm,” she said. “I had my own business.”  

She believes caregivers cannot lose themselves entirely in the people they love. She lives by the sentiment “If you don’t put oil in your lamp, you can’t show your light anywhere.”  

“I am my own person,” she said. “I also have needs. I have my own creative juices that I need to fulfill in order to fulfill the responsibility for David.  Because you absolutely cannot give up everything that makes you, you. It is necessary to take breaks, even short ones, to maintain your perspective and your own mental health.”  

Today, Ponthan finds herself sharing what she has learned with other spouses and caregivers, helping them navigate the same journey she has gone through. She encourages them to attend appointments, ask questions, and take advantage of the resources available through the VA.  

For family members and caregivers looking for that support, the Minneapolis VA’s Caregiver Resource Fair on August 13 will connect veterans, families and caregivers with information and resources. As Ponthan learned through her time as a caregiver, caring for someone else doesn’t mean doing it alone.