'I don't want to be broken': VA helps Veteran overcome trauma, suicidal thoughts

Williams, 54, served six years in the Navy in the 1990s — a four-year stint that ended with an honorable discharge and then another two-year stint. He thought he left unscathed. But in reality, that wasn’t the case.

“There are things that happen to you that you don’t know how they impact you,” he said. “Because in the military, you learn how to throw trauma to the side.”

Two traumatic events during his service stand out:

• He said he saw a fellow sailor get decapitated.
• He said he and some others were forced to make sure a sailor bent on jumping ship didn’t do so. This meant keeping the sailor awake — for five straight days. “We tortured my friend,” he said. “And that was torture on us, too.”

Less dramatic trauma came in the form of a superior who seemingly had it in for Williams, calling him to duty on his off days and targeting him for undue criticism. It eventually led to Williams going AWOL.

“I quit,” he said, saying he was enjoying a long weekend when he decided not to return to the command. “I jumped on a plane for Fayetteville, N.C., even though I didn’t know anybody there.”

After a few months on the East Coast, Williams turned himself in. Expecting the worst, he was surprised when authorities said he was free to return to duty. He declined and received an other-than-honorable discharge.

But this didn’t end Williams’ problems. It was only the beginning.

“I was so messed up, but I didn’t know it,” he said. “I had trust issues, and I floundered for years, trying to figure out who I was.”

In 2001, he “got into trouble with the law,” he said, convicted of a felony but serving no jail time. He got married in 2008 and had a son in 2009.

A move to Wisconsin and work as an African American cultural support specialist in Appleton followed, but while he enjoyed the work, he was struggling to pay the bills and get respect from his co-workers.

“I built up a lot of anger and resentment,” he said. “Then I went through a divorce, and being away from my son … I got depressed. It seemed like everything I was doing was right, but I wasn’t winning. I was flailing even more.”

Thoughts turn to suicide

He hatched a plan: He was going to make as much money as he could, then kill himself, with the money going to his son. But before he could carry out his plan, he got arrested for identity theft.

“I lost all communication with my son. I was 50 years old; my life was over. I was ready to kill myself,” he said.

The court ordered a mental health evaluation, which sent him to VA, where a psychiatrist connected the dots for Williams, tracing many of his problems back to the trauma he suffered in the military.

“This guy told me how I’d been feeling for all these years, and I started crying because nobody had been able to tell me what I was feeling,” he said.

Williams began cognitive behavioral therapy, and before long, received good news that he would receive VA benefits.

But he was still in legal trouble, and this time he ended up in prison. He served 32 months.

However, while in prison, he worked to better himself, physically and mentally. He learned resilience, which would serve him well once he got out, because he soon learned it’s hard to get work with a criminal record.

Resilience in face of rejection

That led him to Vocational Rehabilitation at the Milwaukee VA, where he began working with counselor Karrie Grady.

“He had a lot of employment barriers, but he was extremely tenacious and persistent. He had goals for himself, and he persevered,” she said. “He really wanted to find meaningful work and give back to Veterans, those who have been in prison and his community.”

Williams received many rejections during his job search, but also a lot of support. He continued with this mental health therapy and took advantage of numerous VA services, including Whole Health.

He eventually landed two jobs as a peer support specialist — one with Mental Health America of Wisconsin, working in the R&R House, and another with Dry Hootch, a local organization that supports Veterans.

He said the skills he learned in cognitive behavior therapy at VA were key to his success.

“In the past, rejection would bring me to isolation, and isolation would make me want to quit,” he said. “But now, I’m learning how to accept rejection and not be defeated. I’m still carrying a positive attitude.”

Grady said Williams’ experience shows how people can overcome the self-doubt and defeatist attitudes that can dominate when things go wrong.

“We’re so hard on ourselves, and we tend to associate ourselves with the worst of the things we did,” she said. “It’s so nice to see somebody overcome those obstacles.

“He’s what we dream of. His persistence and belief in himself — I wish I could bottle it and give it to everyone who comes into my office because that is so often the missing link.”

Still a work in progress

Williams hasn’t overcome all his obstacles. He’s still estranged from his son, and he knows that he has to continue to work on his mental health in order to repair the mistakes he made in the past.

“I know I have to be the best me I can possibly be,” he said. “And when and if (my son) is ready to talk to me, I want him to see a healthy father. I don’t want to be broken. Me being broken is no good to anybody. So when he does come back, we can grow in a healthy place.

“It requires a great deal of effort to maintain my current state. Although plagued by doubts and destructive thoughts, I consciously choose not to entertain them, fully aware of the negative consequences. Having spent a significant portion of my adult life battling suicidal ideation, I now strive to embrace life. … Fearful of regressing into a dark place, I am committed to confronting my inner demons. While I have made progress, I acknowledge that there is still a long journey ahead.”

Williams has bigger goals: He would like to purchase a four-plex and turn it into a kind of halfway house for Veterans getting out of prison. He would help them adjust to life outside of prison and get them connected with VA services.

“He is so driven, and he wants to give back,” Grady said. 

But right now, he said he is in a good place, and he is grateful to VA for getting there.

“When I started going to VA … that kept me alive. It kept me going through the rejection periods,” he said. “The VA was like a lifeline. … I just filled myself up with stuff to do at the VA.”

His advice for other Veterans who are struggling?

“Use the VA,” he said. “This is the place for Veterans. They have everything you need.”