“It’s okay to cry”: Following 4 suicide attempts, Marine Veteran shares his journey with mental health

As he walked outside the front door of his parents’ house, he carried his two-year-old daughter to the car and placed her in the car seat.

He was on a mission, and he was headstrong.

As he backed out the driveway, his mind obsessively pondered in the deafening silence of the car about how this life-changing decision -- at just 18 years old -- was going to benefit the life of his daughter. While he drove, he kept looking back in the rear view mirror and locking eyes with her. He was focused on protecting and providing for his family. He didn’t think much at the time of how it would benefit him because he was used to hearing how he wasn’t good enough.

After a 10-minute drive, he pulled into the parking lot and saw the neon red letters that spelled, “MARINE.”

“I was sitting in my room watching TV and that damn Marine commercial came on. My daughter was sitting next to me, and I thought, ‘Well that’s what I’m going to do,’” Thompson recalled.
 

Childhood memories

Growing up, Thompson was the eldest of three children and had an innate calling to serve as the protector of his family. His father was a pastor at a church in Angleton, Texas, and his mother played an active role in the church community.

Growing up in the church had its perks as well as its challenges.

Thompson recalled being spoiled by his family and being in the limelight of church, which was often accompanied by scrutiny from fellow churchgoers. Despite being a preacher’s kid, Thompson described his younger days being filled with mischief.

“I had heard throughout my childhood that I wasn’t good enough. That I wasn’t going to amount to anything. That my brother and sister and friends were making good grades in school and would be successful,” he said. “I wanted to go to the military to challenge myself, but I wanted to go to the Marine Corps because it was the hardest branch.”

Thompson believed the Marine Corps was an opportunity to prove himself and a chance to silence his critics.

Since he was still in high school, Thompson opted for the delayed entry program for boot camp, but doubt and uncertainty quickly slithered into his mind. Envisioning himself following through with this monumental commitment made the wait excruciating.

It also didn’t help that his parents weren’t aware of his decision to join the military.

“I was still checking in with my recruiter, but I kept pushing [boot camp] off,” Thompson said. “Early December came, and my recruiter ended up calling me and cursing me the hell out saying I needed to go to boot camp. I then realized I needed to tell my family that I joined the Marine Corps.”
 

“I will never forget this day”

A few days after that phone call, Thompson finally broke the news to his parents and his recruiter arrived days later at his home to speak with Thompson’s parents. What Thompson thought would be an unpleasant experience turned into a cherished memory.

“My recruiter showed up to my house, and I will never forget this day. After all the negative things I heard about me growing up, [I realized that] my father was proud of me. He, my mother, and my family had prepared me for this next chapter in my life,” Thompson recalled.

During the conversation, Thompson’s recruiter explained how the Marines would transform the Houston native into a man, and Thompson’s father replied, “Whatever the Marines has to offer, you’re already going to get the best of the best because he was raised that way. The Marines will just enhance what has already been instilled in him.”

“Hearing my father say that gave me all the confidence in the world and solidified that this was the best decision I made,” said Thompson. “Even though my parents were unhappy I didn’t tell them, they were still supportive of me.”
 

“It’s okay to cry"

On Dec. 12, 2000, Thompson experienced numerous firsts. This day ushered new beginnings and adventures such as his first day leaving for boot camp, the first time traveling on a plane, and the first time going farther than Arkansas and Louisiana.

Dec. 12, 2000, also marked the first time Thompson allowed himself to be vulnerable – something he previously viewed as “weak” and “soft.” Departing for boot camp was a challenging adjustment for someone like Thompson who grew up in a tight knit family.

Sitting on the living room couch with his bags packed to the brim, Thompson tried his hardest to hold his emotions in. As he began to say his goodbyes, he asked himself how could he protect his family while he’s away. As the thought pressed into his mind, he felt warm streaks running down his face.

“I was trying to hold it in,” Thompson said. “My sister started crying first, then my brother, then my mother. I remember trying to hold it together for them, but I just lost it.”

Reflecting on this tender memory now at the age of 43, Thompson was asked what he would tell his 18-year-old self in that moment.

“It’s okay to cry,” he said. “If you were to ask me that while I was in the military, I would have said something else because of how mental health is viewed in the military. Now that I’m out and getting mental health treatment, I would tell my 18-year-old self that it’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to have emotions. It’s part of you being a human being.”
 

Mental health challenges

During Thompson’s time in boot camp, he faced new excitements as well as new challenges. Most of those challenges were physical but he worked tirelessly to overcome them.

“In the Marine Corps, you have Monday through Thursday to learn your skills and then have to pass on Friday. This was my first time shooting a gun, swimming with heavy gear, doing outside things, and I was struggling,” the Houston native said. “I was basically drowning in the pool. I was shooting my rifle for the first time at the target, but I wasn’t hitting the target. I told my range sergeant, ‘I think there’s something wrong with my rifle.’ He sits down, shoots the rifle, and hits black on everything. I looked at him, looked at the tip of my gun and then asked him, ‘am I supposed to be looking through this small hole right here?’ I started hitting the target after that.”

Thompson’s mother sent him a Bible for Christmas, and inside of it she left a note instructing him to read Psalms 27 whenever he felt overwhelmed. On Thursday night, he read the scripture. The next day he passed his courses and earned an expert qualification on the rifle range.

During this time, he also married his high school girlfriend who was living in Houston with their daughter.

The day before graduating Marine Combat Training, Thompson had to successfully complete land navigation with his platoon, which involved hiking eight miles with a 100-pound-bag through various terrains.

As Thompson hiked downhill, he felt a searing pain jolt up his leg and fell to the ground along with his 100-pound-bag strapped to his back. He rolled his ankle on a rock, which was now tender and the size of a tennis ball. He attempted to walk and bare the pain but eventually could go no further causing him to fail Marine Combat Training.

Devastation washed over him as he realized he had to wait a month to heal and be recycled into the next available training unit. While Thompson was used to overcoming physical challenges and setbacks, he now faced a new obstacle, one that was invisible yet felt palpable.  

“I didn’t get to graduate with my class. I got held back, and I had to go through it all over again, but during this time, I was able to speak to a therapist. This was my first initiation to mental health. My therapist told me that if I didn’t feel comfortable talking to my family about the things I struggled with, that I should write a letter. So, I did, and I told my parents how I felt growing up and not feeling like I was good enough. They told me it was okay, and I could have talked to them about it […] I don’t think I would have made it had I not written that letter,” said Thomas.
 

“I didn’t know what I was feeling”

On Aug. 27, 2001, Thompson was assigned to his first duty station in Cherry Point, North Carolina after successfully graduating from boot camp.

Then 9/11 happened.

“I was at work and this red-headed corporal wearing glasses walks into the office and screamed, ‘we’re going to f—king war’ and I thought, ‘you are, not me,’” Thompson recalled. “They rapidly shut down our base and told us we could not go off base. I went from learning my admin job for two weeks to being assigned guard duty for 12 hours a day. During this time, my wife tells me she doesn’t want to move from Houston to North Carolina and bring our daughter.”

At 20 years old, Thompson felt alone and hopeless. Isolated from the outside world and grappling with the heart-breaking news, Thompson grabbed his rifle and locked himself in his room.  

“I felt I had no support. The person that I thought was going to be there for me is telling me that she does not want to come. I called my mom crying and told her I can’t do this anymore and was going to end it,” he said.

Within minutes, Thompson’s mom called his recruiter who notified the military police. Once the police located Thompson, they escorted him to the hospital for mental health treatment.

“When my command found out about it, I didn’t have anybody to take me under their wing or tell me it’s okay to feel like this,” he said. “All I got was the opposite. Very negative. Very cold and told, ‘You’re weak.’ I didn’t know what I was feeling, and I knew that I didn’t want to be here living anymore.”

The Houston native was released from the hospital, but the effects of his invisible obstacle still lingered. Afraid of being discharged from the Marine Corps, Thompson pushed his feelings aside and focused on executing his duties.

Yet the path that laid ahead for Thompson would take more twists and turns.
 

Deployments

After his first suicide attempt, Thompson found himself in the spotlight of his command receiving more attention than ever before – something he had not experienced since his days in Houston and the church community.

“Because I got all this attention from this suicide attempt, I reverted back to being a [rebellious] kid. I started doing crazy stuff and not taking the Marine Corps seriously,” Thompson said.

His actions later resulted in a court marshal and spending 30 days in the brig. Initially, the Marine Corps was set on removing Thompson however a few leaders extended Thompson a second chance at redemption.

On Jan. 11, 2003, Thompson was off to Iraq on his first deployment. He deployed two more times to Iraq in January 2004 and June 2005. During this time, Thompson quickly ascended from private to sergeant.

“My third time in Iraq was the first time I saw someone die,” he said. “I was shocked, but after that it was like second nature. I saw and heard a lot when I was in Iraq. All day and all night […] you don’t have time to think about your mental health.”

In May 2006, Thompson decided it was a good time to leave the Marine Corps – or so he thought. In the midst of him assimilating into civilian world, he and his wife divorced. He struggled to find well-paying jobs to support his now three children, and his parents were going through a tumultuous public divorce back home in Houston.

“[I was] really out of it mentally, and I didn’t know how bad my mental health was,” he admitted.

One day, Thompson reconnected with his best friend who was working at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland, which is now called Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. He encouraged Thompson to take advantage of the Individual Ready Reserve. To Thompson’s surprise, he was selected for an administrative position at Walter Reed.

“You never know how what you do for people can come back tenfold,” Thompson said. “My friend needed a place to stay for a few months after we got back from deployment in 2005, so I told him to stay with me. When I got the job at Walter Reed, my friend had a three-story townhouse for me and my family to stay at. My friend saved my life.”

For three years, Thompson worked at Walter Reed and still claims to this day it was the most rewarding job he held. Although he saw gruesome injuries, the position gave him a new perspective and deeper purpose in life as he worked to prepare and support Marine families.
 

Mental health journey

On Feb. 14, 2009, Thompson finally decided to enter the civilian world, but his mental health battles still lurked in the shadows. Thompson attempted suicide three more times in 2011, 2012, and 2014.

The turning moment for Thompson was in 2014 when one of his children called him crying and pleading.

“I hadn’t come to grips with the things I saw in my military career when I was in Iraq or at Walter Reed. All this stuff came crashing down on me when I finally exited the Marine Corps. It was at that point that I realized I can’t do this. I have to be here for my kids,” Thompson explained.

“I kept thinking about my mental health, but I thought that would make me weak,” Thompson said. “I felt like I [survived] Iraq all three times because I wasn’t thinking about my mental health.”

In 2018, Thompson finally arranged his first VA mental health appointment and six years later he still talks with his mental health care provider.

“It used to be hard to talk about mental health, but now it’s not,” Thompson said. “It’s easy for me to talk about this because someone helped me. Sometimes internal injuries may be more severe than external. It took me a long time to realize that.”

Thompson also finds solace and comfort when he's writing his music. As a published R&B artist, Thompson said he finds peace when he's in the studio and uses music as an outlet to alleviate his stress and tensions. As a birthday gift to himself, his latest hit "Deserve It" dropped on all streaming platforms May 8. 

Now, at 43 years old, Thompson proudly continues to serve at VA Tennessee Valley Healthcare System as the Veteran experience officer. In this role, Thompson is responsible for overseeing and driving improvements for patients’ experiences at each VA clinic in the middle Tennessee and southern Kentucky areas. He also takes it upon himself to encourage every Veteran he meets to enroll in VA health care and use their mental health resources.

“For men, we feel it’s important to help our family, but you can’t help people if you don’t help yourself. It’s not weak to get mental health treatment. Mental health is self-care, and I hope that my story is a testament for someone else to get the care they need,” he encouraged.

Suicide is preventable. If you or a loved one are experiencing a mental health crisis, call 988 and press 1, or visit your nearest emergency department. Thanks to the COMPACT Act, Veterans can receive free emergent mental health care at any VA or non-VA emergency room.

To learn more about mental health care at VA, visit www.va.gov/health-care/health-needs-conditions/mental-health.