Turning Trauma Into Hope

An advertisement claiming that in the Army you could “Be All You Can Be” was a bit of a joke among her friends; until they ventured to the recruiting station one day to see what it meant. What started as a funny story on a bored afternoon would change the trajectory of Yvonne’s life in ways both good and bad.

“I wasn’t serious about joining when I went along, but when I was the only one who qualified, I felt pride,” she said. “See I came from a long line of service and my grandmother had this wall in her house, covered in photos of my family members in uniform. I wanted to be on that wall.”

Yvonne left for basic training in 1982 and learned to be an Army cook. She was stationed at Fort Carson in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where she met and married a fellow soldier. In just a short time life had blossomed into an exciting, promising adventure for the new Soldier and bride, but shortly after the wedding bells faded, the abuse started.

“I wasn’t exposed to that growing up, my parents set a good, solid example. So, I didn’t realize someone who was supposed to love you could hurt you like that,” said Yvonne.

For two years she was physically and sexually assaulted by the man who had promised to love and protect her. And when she reported the behavior through the proper channels, help never came.

“One time I called the police. They came and arrested him, but then his commander went and got him out and he came straight home to beat me up again,” said Yvonne. “You ask for help, but when no one will intervene, eventually you give up and find other ways to disappear from the abuse.”

To escape her reality, Yvonne began drinking heavily at 19. When the Army moved them to Germany, far from her support system at home, the public humiliation and degradation she endured from her partner escalated, as did her drinking to cope.  After two years of living in a fog, a stark realization gave her the courage to walk-out.

“I learned that his father had abused and killed his mother, right in front of him,” she said. “And suddenly I realized we were headed down that road. If the Army wasn’t going to help me, I knew I had to do it myself.”

She left her husband, and the Army, for a fresh start in a new place. She started working at a battered women’s shelter back in DC, hoping to help others escape their abusers. When she realized some women would never leave, she dove deeper into the bottle of liquor that had become her constant companion.

“I didn’t know I had a problem, I thought I was living the life that I wanted to,” she said. “I didn’t want to be tied down with responsibilities and I didn’t want to feel so I kept drinking. When the alcohol was no longer enough, I started using.”

Marijuana, pills, and cocaine became a part of her daily regimen to avoid processing what she had been through. Her family tried to tell Yvonne that she needed help, but even as she lost her job, and then her home, she didn’t see the link between her past abuse and her substance abuse, or just how dangerous her lifestyle was. Until, one day, a stranger in a business suit changed her life in passing.

“I was living under a bridge and had just cracked open a bottle of cheap vodka when this man walking by looked at me and said, ‘If you don’t drink today, things might be different,’” she said. “It was so simple, but so profound. I had been using for so long that I had forgotten what could be if I just didn’t.”

The stranger continued on his way to work but Yvonne credits him with changing her life. Within 24 hours, she found herself at a narcotics anonymous meeting, surrounded by people focused on positive change. They helped her see the possibilities in a substance-free future and introduced her to step-work to get there.

She got clean, found work, moved into an apartment, and continued her meetings. She focused her efforts on substance abuse recovery and remembered how to enjoy life’s natural highs. But six years after she got clean, Yvonne began to suffer panic attacks related to her military service.

“I would wake up in the middle of the night, terrified that someone was going to break in and get me,” she said. “That was the first time I went to the VA for help and discovered that I had PTSD from my military sexual trauma.”

Through cognitive processing therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy, Yvonne learned how to process her emotions and think clearly again.

“For so long, I was dealing with anxiety then substance abuse and then recovery that I had forgotten how to deal with my fears rationally,” she said. “The VA became a doorway to get my life back on track – I could see a brighter future on the other side.”

The VA also offered Yvonne an opportunity to channel her painful past into a positive future as a Certified Peer Support Specialist, a position she has proudly held for ten years.

“Everything I went through was meant to break my spirit, but it didn’t. And I am a stronger person today because of it,” she said. “I can use what I survived to help men and women walk through their traumas and redefine who they are. When I look at a Veteran abusing substance, I don’t see their addiction, because when that stranger looked at me, he didn’t see a homeless person living under a bridge. He saw a woman, who had the power to change her circumstance with one choice. I want to give that power to others.”

Sadly, Yvonne’s story is not unique. To combat substance abuse related to military service, the VA offers inpatient and outpatient recovery programs tailored to address addiction and its root cause. Peer support specialists, like Yvonne, can help Veterans navigate the VA and transition into a healthier lifestyle while walking through the recovery process together.

“You don’t forget how powerful the drugs are, or how good they can feel,” she said. “Every day I have to wake up and make a decision not to use. But I am here to let you know life is wonderful without them. And as long as we keep losing Veterans to substance abuse I am going to be here, sharing my story and inviting them into a substance-free world.”

 Learn more about VA’s Peer Support Program and Substance Abuse Prevention Program. 

Learn more about the VA's Intimate Partner Violence Support Program or contact Washington DC VA Medical Center's Intimate Partner Violence Coordinator at 202-745-8000, ext. 57071