Iraq Veteran Overcomes Wounds from a Different Kind of Combat

After mustering the courage to leave an abusive relationship, most domestic violence victims don’t want people to scold them like this. Ann Buchwald is okay with this one. In fact, she needs to hear it, just like many others who have experienced the same.

The Madison VA Women’s Health Peer Specialist and Navy Veteran can hold her head high knowing she’s survived and advanced, but the road traveled to get there wasn’t easy. In fact, far from it.

The northern Illinois native was married for six years, but it didn’t take that long before her ex-husband showed signs of being abusive.

“He was mentally manipulating,” Buchwald said. “He closed me off from my family and he had to approve of the few friends I had. When I left work, he’d call every five minutes until I got home every day, making sure I didn’t make unplanned stops. At one point, he purchased push-to-talk phones so he could get an immediate response.”

For most military couples, deployments are usually full of angst and sadness, but not always in this case. His deployment meant she could be herself, at least a little, without repercussions. Not that she had a reason to hide anything she did, but when having an abusive partner, you do whatever you can to survive. You do whatever you can to protect your children.

When she thought things couldn’t get worse, it did. She was raped and, given that her husband was the perpetrator, she was hesitant to share that information with anyone. “Who am I going to tell? Who’s going to believe me? I was married to him.”

It’s not an uncommon response. With the constant manipulation, scolding and controlling, many victims are hesitant to do most anything, whether it’s seeking help, alerting authorities or leaving the relationship. The outside world is often cut off, purposely, so that you answer to one person. It rarely happens overnight and it’s not always easy to see.

“The first few times I thought of leaving, he threatened suicide. I was young, thought I was in love and that I would be able to save him from himself. I had limited dating experience and developed into a pawn just to keep the peace for my kids. I felt like I had no control over what was happening externally. He kept his money separate from “our” money, which I had to use to pay bills.”

Second guessing and hindsight is easier once you’re out, but it’s getting out that is the toughest. It took her leading petty officer to ask a blunt question, perhaps the most impactful one a person could ask, ‘if it’s not you, it’ll be your daughters.’

Eyes, opened.

Reality hit hard. The thought of her ex-husband abusing her children gave her the motivation she needed to leave. Leaving and learning to live had its own obstacles.

“I didn’t have a relationship for a long time. I’m good at bottling things up and putting a smile on my face. Very few people can get close. Learning how to live is terrifying – what is a healthy relationship? What are healthy feelings? It’s a struggle every day.”

The separation still created new challenges. Now when her children spent time with their father, she wasn’t there and didn’t know how they were being treated or what was being said. “He was good at brainwashing people. In fact, when we went to court for custody, their guardian ad litem told me, ‘I’m glad you came in because he had painted you completely different.’ It’s terrifying knowing he was that good at manipulation.”

The frustration and struggle hasn’t been without rewards. Buchwald’s two children are 21 and 22 with one working in health care and the other in childcare.

Her learning how to be in a positive relationship has paid off, too. She has been together with her husband for seven years and they recently tied the knot. “I’m in an amazing relationship now with someone who cares and is supportive. I always think he’ll change his personality, but it’s an actual relationship and we’re happy. I wasn’t ready when I met him, so he’s seen this journey with me.”

Buchwald knows she couldn’t have done this alone. “I can’t say that I never thought I’d be better off not being here, but I had those two little girls. Had it not been for my VA therapist, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I’d still be a shell.”

In addition to her children and husband, she has another focus as a peer specialist for women Veterans. “In this position, I’m able to share with other Veterans in similar circumstance. They know they aren’t alone – that it’s possible to be happy and you can be successful. It’s possible to get out.”

Thirteen years serving in the Navy and Navy Reserves with one tour in Iraq, yet Buchwald has learned that wounds from domestic violence can be as painful as those suffered in combat. The guilt. The doubt. The thought that you aren’t good enough.

“You keep hearing the same things over and you believe it. It’s hard to get it out of your head. It’s hard to learn to love yourself again. When I doubt myself or put myself down, my best friend always says, ‘don’t talk about my best friend that way.’”

For victims of domestic violence, that’s the type of "demand" they welcome.

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If you or someone you know needs immediate assistance, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. The Department of Veterans Affairs has services to support safe, healthy relationships for Veterans and their partners. For more information contact your local VA Intimate Partner Violence Assistance Program at www.socialwork.va.gov/IPV.

For more information about the Madison VA Hospital, visit www.madison.va.gov, www.facebook.com/MadisonVAHospital and subscribe to our newsletters.